Wednesday, July 30, 2008


by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right! ( very true)

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. (OMG!! He always say that to me). Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a
profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage ( Phew~ He just said what's on my mind). When the
other ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship
on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for
20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e. trust that I won't
get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch? ( i am but...lack of discipline)

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good
and do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't
do your homework.

Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
not going anywhere relationships.

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and
caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that

Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop selfâ€'esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.


6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will

Friday, July 25, 2008

~ 28 hours ~tze tze

As usual i worked at night until 11.30pm, had my cough syrup then fell asleep after 30 min.Then i woke up around 1pm the next day. Had my lunch...thought im fully recharged to work again. While waiting for my housemate to get ready, i fell asleep again. This time i had 5 hours sleep. Afraid of staring at the ceiling for the whole night without sleep, i took my 'magical' cough syrup again. Next thing i know, i woke up at 1.30pm the next day. What the h**l is happening to me?
Could be the 'sleeping disease' caused by Tze Tze flies? Talking abt flies, would it be the flesh flies in the lab has mutated into Tze Tze flies? Or my labmate caught the Tze Tze flies by accident? OH MY!! Shall i go for blood test? WHat to expect from the blood test? T. brucei gambiense? T. brucei rhodesiense? or i'm just too tired?


Who said getting enough sleep can prevent zits??? I had so much sleep..and YET i have zits all over my forehead. I only have one or two popping out during the time of the month. This is so out of the range. It is NOT one or two's more. This is certainly NOT time of the month!!...WHY??~!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Best way to kickoff Monday bluess

Its the Karaoke session again. This time , as usual , only two of us went and we were late. Managed to get a 9.30pm room....the good news of being late is that we got the biggest and most spacious room No. 1 ~!~!...This room comes with attached washroom. The sound system is much better than the rest. The room is too big to accomodate only two of us but that is the only room left. The rest are occupied. So, is it lucky or unlucky to be late??

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Cooking Time~

'Pei dan sao yuk chuk'


Lean meat

Century egg

Dried Oyster

Salted egg

Cabbage soup



Dried squid

Dried oyster

Ikan bilis

Chrysanthemum Tea